On Authenticity

I recently attended a convention in New York City. I met people from all over the world, participated in meaningful conversations, and listened to thought-provoking lectures. One of these lectures was called Repair from Within. The speaker, a therapist, spoke of authenticity, of masks (what they are and how they affect us), and shared tools for noticing and working with them.

If you know me, you know that I live and breathe this world: therapy, psychology, self-development, emotional work. So this topic had my full attention.

At the end of the lecture, there was time for questions and comments. Many shared, but one in particular stayed with me.

They spoke about struggling with authenticity. They shared that they deal with mental health challenges, and while this is part of who they are, it's not something they want to lead with when making new friends or going out on a date. Understandably so, everyone in the room agreed. They went on to explain that in social situations, they tend to lead with the best parts of themselves, their favorite parts.

Their question was simple and honest:

Is only showing the best parts of myself when I meet someone inauthentic of me?

And here's my thoughts on this.

I would define authenticity as being aligned with who you are.

I'm half Chinese, not half Japanese.

I don't like drinking so I say no, instead of yes.

I value depth and honesty, even when it's uncomfortable, so I don't stay in spaces that require me to shrink or perform.

Authenticity, to me, is not about revealing everything, but about telling the truth. And that's why I don't believe that authenticity is an all or nothing concept. It's a range.

Many of us subconsciously believe things like:

“If I’m not sharing everything about myself, I’m being fake.”

“If I’m curating what I show, I’m not authentic.”

“If I’m anxious but don’t lead with it, I’m lying.”

These are black-and-white ways of understanding what it means to be human.

We are complex beings shaped by millions of experiences, both big and small, throughout our lives. Each experience influences how we think, how we behave and how we show up in the world on a daily basis. Because of that complexity, it simply isn't realistic (or healthy!) to lay everything out on the table for every single person that you cross paths with.

And so I like to think of authenticity more like a dimmer switch, than a light switch.

You can be somewhat open, more open, very open, or deeply vulnerable, all without ever crossing into inauthenticity.

The key here is discernment - knowing which true parts to reveal, when, and to whom - because authenticity is NOT an obligation to disclose every part of yourself to everyone.

Getting to know someone is a process.

You begin with a general sense of who you are and the energy you bring. This is the most surface level, but it still matters. From there, you start to observe how they treat others, how they speak, what they value, what kind of conversations they’re drawn to.

Maybe then you test the waters. You ask for help. You share something small but real. Their response becomes information. Do they meet you with care? With curiosity? With judgment?

If you receive a green light, trust builds. And with trust comes the possibility of deeper vulnerability.

We need all of these layers.

The deeper layers, the darker parts, are not only the most vulnerable, but potentially the most sacred. Not everyone is able, or willing, to hold those parts carefully, gently, with love and without judgment. And not everyone is meant to.

So we don’t lead with them.

That doesn’t make us less authentic.

It means we are leading with discernment.